


Just Hide Behind Your Pride

by Dont_call_me_Carrie



Series: Hold Onto What We've Got, Ready Or Not [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Gen, Howard-centric, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Interlude, Mental Health Issues, POV Howard Stark, Pre-Canon, Relationship Problems, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 03:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_call_me_Carrie/pseuds/Dont_call_me_Carrie
Summary: Howard Stark had been enjoying a rare free morning, the day he first met the love of his life.…Not that he realized it at the time, of course.





	Just Hide Behind Your Pride

**Author's Note:**

> Howard's perspective of events in [Live Through The Rain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12546484), aka the start of his redemption arc because he really, _**really**_ dropped the ball when it came to his family.
> 
>  
> 
> **Warnings:** please note that this is Howard’s perspective when sober; I’m not about to try to rationalize his logic when drunk. [ _That way lies madness, especially since he gets way too close to abusive and his sober train of thought was hard enough._ ] On that note, his alcoholism is something that's affected by the unreliable narrator thing, as well as his perspective of his actions [ _which, again, run pretty damn close to abusive at times_ ]. If any of that sounds like it'd hit too close to home, then this might not be the fic for you. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also: even more of a cliffhanger ending than LTTR, just as an. fyi.

Howard Stark had been enjoying a rare free morning, the day he first met the love of his life.

 

…Not that he realized it at the moment, of course.

 

 

In his defense, Howard Stark had quite a few things on his plate, at the time. Had been wrangling with yet another crisis in SHIELD, had been thinking about yet another possible contract for SI, and the logistics of the latest Arctic expedition because the Soviets were incredibly touchy about anything with his name on it anywhere near their border. Had been running on roughly five hours of sleep, when he’d crashed into the short brunette.

 

 

As far as first meetings went, could’ve been better.

However, it also could’ve been worse—at least the woman wasn’t shooting at him, after all, even if part of him cringed as he heard her dark muttering as she shoved him off, and he felt all of five inches tall when he noticed the very, very obvious coffee stain on her otherwise-crisp white blouse. 

As if that didn’t make him feel guilty enough, however, what followed only made the brief encounter all the more memorable. Because the brunette swept her hair from her face, and wow, Howard had the _worst_ luck, didn’t he? Because that’s the only way he can explain how he’d somehow found the single most drop-dead gorgeous woman in the city, in what was quite possibly his most embarrassing introduction to date.

The whole encounter had lasted less than five minutes, there was no reason he should’ve been thinking about it hours, days, even weeks later—but.

In less than five minutes, Maria No-Last-Name had made one **_hell_** of a first impression.

Howard hadn’t met someone who didn’t know his face in months, if not years, by now, and the experience was…incredibly refreshing, if slightly mortifying thanks to the circumstances. 

Seriously—that just didn’t _happen_ anymore, not since the press had taken to parading him as the ‘single most eligible bachelor in New York’. Or if it wasn’t that, it was because of what he got up to in SHIELD and SI—point is, apart from Jarvis, just about everyone wanted something from him, in some way or another. He’d had people throwing themselves at him, because of it—because they wanted his money, or his power and charisma. He’d gotten used to it, had learned to use it to his advantage once he’d figured out it wasn’t going away, but.

In less than five minutes, a short brunette managed to make more of an impression than some senators Howard could name. Had caught him off-guard in more ways than one, and it really was a pity he hadn’t so much as caught her name.

  

Years later, he’d kick himself for not realizing this would be a recurring element in their relationship. Not until it was nearly too late, anyway.

 

 

 

Their next meeting was what cemented his interest, however. 

Even if it was just as, if not even more, mortifying than their first, because this time he didn’t have any other excuse other than he’d forgotten to look around the corner. Not to mention that it was the same woman, to boot, and Howard would be the first to admit Jarvis’ scandalized tone was well-deserved.

This time, however, neither of them were in as much of a rush, and at least this time he’d managed to get a last name from her. Maria Carbonell. Huh.

As it turned out, his impression of her during their first meeting had not been a fluke, she really _was_ that blunt. Said impression only got compounded by the events that followed, and if she hadn’t already been memorable before, Howard didn’t think he was about to forget the rest of the evening anytime soon.

The screaming in the alleyway, or the _fury_ in Maria’s eyes as she adjusted a half-ripped blouse with one hand while the other gripped a now-severely-dented mug, and if Howard was perhaps a bit more terse than usual when calling the police, well, oops.

Maria’s nonchalance about the incident helped quite a bit, in de-escalating the situation afterwards, and the tidbit about her being a bank teller in one of the worst parts of town explained a _lot._ Even if Howard knew he wasn’t the only one exchanging confused glances, because that still didn’t explain why she was acting so confused about standard protocol about reporting crime, or why she’d looked at the policemen on scene oddly at first.

The dinner afterwards answered quite a few questions, even as they raised even more. As it turned out, Maria was a small-town girl, and that, he had honestly not seen coming. Sure, it explained just why she hadn’t batted an eye when she found out who he was, but…she had a fearlessness that Howard hadn’t expected to see, honestly. That she hadn’t at all changed how she acted around him, even after finding out he was one of the richest men in the country, wasn’t something he was going to forget anytime soon, either.

He looked at Maria—at her brilliant smile, at the way her dark brown eyes glinted with dry humor, and…huh. _There’s_ an idea.

 

 

 

Time flies by, and Howard keeps in touch.

As it turns out, Maria makes for very good company. She’s headstrong, refreshingly blunt, and that she can keep up with him when he starts to ramble about work is something he had honestly not expected. 

As a matter of fact, that last part had actually had Peggy and the others suspecting she was a plant for the longest while—Peggy’d actually had her apprentice run the background checks twice, because of it, actually, because the circumstances of their meeting were just that serendipitous.

Incidentally, their poking around also led to his learning far more about Maria. About how she’d moved to New York fairly recently but had never left the country, about how she occasionally babysat for her neighbors but otherwise didn’t tend to get out much, apart from work—all in all, Maria was slightly unusual, but not enough to turn up on their radar.

Good—because at this rate, Howard’s not sure how he feels about Maria Carbonell. As in, he hasn’t felt this way in quite a while. Both Obadiah and the press had been starting to get on his case about settling down, but…well. Point is, he’d never thought about it seriously before, but now, Howard can’t help but step back and think seriously about what he wants in a wife, and the realization hit him like a sucker punch.

 

There were many things he’d later come to regret. Meeting her, however, was not one of them.

 

 

He didn’t know Maria’s ring size. This is a problem.

A very, very big problem, because now that he’d realized that he really wouldn’t mind marrying her, Howard found himself at a loss as to how the hell to go about doing it. He’d been involved in countless scandals over the years, had been in the tabloids before courtesy of his dalliances with heiresses and movie stars, but.

Maria was another kettle of fish entirely, in more ways than one. Howard found himself scrambling for the first time in _years,_ because suddenly, his normal approach wasn’t enough. 

It was cosmic irony, there was no other explanation. For why he’d had to go and fall for the single most low-maintenance woman in Manhattan, because dear Lord he’d had an easier time _founding SHIELD_ than he was finding a good gift at the moment.

Howard hadn’t thought it’d be an issue, at first.

Hey, in his experience, women never complained when they got extravagant flower bouquets, or something from Tiffany’s…and yet Maria had given a him a brighter smile over a coffee, which he could get behind, but _still._  

Granted, part of why he’d been attracted to her in the first place was her genuinely not being interested in him for his money, but…it was still baffling, seeing Maria whenever he tried to give her something—not that he was complaining! It just made it all the more challenging, finding something suitable. After all, perfume wasn’t something she wore, she’d already complained about her apartment’s being overrun by roses, and clothing was _also_ hit-and-miss [ _but he’d figured out that as long as it had pockets she’d probably keep it, so there was that_ ].

Peggy had laughed at him, when she’d heard of his predicament, and wasn’t exactly very helpful afterwards either. More’s the pity.

On the plus side, at least he’d finally managed to propose, even if it’d taken quite a bit longer than expected.

In his defense, though, finding the perfect time for it was downright _impossible_ —because Maria deserved nothing but the best, but either the mood wasn’t right, or something came up, or he forgot the ring in his other jacket [ _it’d only happened once, but he’d been kicking himself for it days later_ ], or…well.

Then again, he’d ended up proposing on a dark and stormy night after almost getting a heart attack via Maria saying, “We need to talk.” So.

 

All’s well that ended well, right?

 

 

The first time someone went after his fiancée, Howard nearly had a coronary. 

That Maria had been more concerned over missing their cake sampling, than over the attempt on her life, was…Howard had known what he was signing up for, in regards to danger. That someone had tried to get to him through her, however, hit far too close to home.

Never mind that this wasn’t Maria’s first time warding off attackers, never mind that her job as a bank teller in one of the worst parts of town had more than prepared her for the types of stressors that came part and parcel with being the wife of one of the richest people in the state, if not the country—this what would be what drove Howard into an early grave, he just _knew_ it.

Especially since Maria had fought him fiercely on getting a bodyguard, because of course she did. His fiancée was fiercely independent, of course she’d rankle at the prospect. Damn. He’d really need to step up his security measures, there was no way he could let this happen again…

 

 Years later,he’d laugh bitterly at the irony.

  

 

Howard knew he was so, very lucky. His wife was gorgeous, and so supportive and—well, the list went on.

Some instances, however, reminded him of _just_ how fortunate he was— because every time he thought he had her number, Maria inevitably ended up surprising him. Like the way she made business dinners so much better, or the way she took to galas like a fish to water, and never failed to have his back no matter what they were doing.

Not to mention how accepting she was, with how much work took out of him. Howard didn’t deserve her, really; he’d heard Hank complain more than once about how Janet gave him hell whenever he so much as missed dinner, and couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt when remembering how often he’d gotten wrapped up with that last contract or project that just **_had_** to be finished stat. Partly because of just how much work had picked up lately, and partly because Maria was so _understanding_ about it he could only be grateful for it when yet another crisis hit.

Granted, it helped that apparently she’d gotten interested in his company’s PR department, and charity work, so she was pretty busy as well. But still— Howard knew he had something good, and he couldn’t help but be grateful for it. Once the day was over, he could just go home to his wife, and relax with a spot of brandy as they let the day’s stressors melt away.

It was one of the things he looked forward to the most in the day, especially given how things’ve been going at work. What with the Arctic expeditions coming up that he had to get ready for, and dealing the the assholes from Operation Paperclip [ _ugh_ ].

 

 

 

Howard’s so, very lucky, and he knows it. On a number of levels, even; he’s especially reminded of it, when the melancholy hits. When his mind can’t help but remember things he’d rather forget, when he tries to cling of the good memories [ _Maria and Peggy and Jarvis and Steve—_ ] to keep the bad [ ~~ _the Mannhattan Project and Korea and all of SHIELD’s dark secrets—_~~ _no,_ ** _stop_** ] at bay.

On good days, the shadows can be banished with Maria’s smile, or one of Jarvis’ quips, or Peggy’s teasing…but.

It doesn’t always work.

On bad days, the melancholy’s almost overwhelming, and the nightmares. It’s humiliating to even think about, because Stark men are made of iron, but just about the only thing that can make it go away’s the alcohol— only, Maria doesn’t let it.

 

Years later, he’d be so, so grateful for it, for her efforts in keeping him from crawling into the bottle. At the time, however…

 

 

That was their first major fight. And their second, and third, and Howard quickly lost track after that because after a while they started to blur together, and more reasons to fight came up. 

He still loves Maria, of course—it’d take far more than that to change how he feels about her— but the start of the fights also marks the end of the honeymoon period, and the more time passes the more they end up fighting.

When they have the time, anyway; work’s really picking up now, and he can’t be home as often as he used to. Which, ironically, is one of the few things they _don’t_ fight about, that apparently most other married couples do. But between work at SHIELD, and at Stark Industries, it’s not like there’s much he can do about it.

 

…and then Maria's pregnant, and things are never quite the same.

  

 

Because with the discovery that they’d have a child, comes quite a few realizations in very, very short order. 

Howard was going to be a father. He was going to be a father, was now officially entering one of the biggest stages in life that confirmed that he was getting old in a way he’d never had to acknowledge before, and…he’d promised. He’d promised Peggy, that he’d find Steve, and he’d failed.

Well. Obviously, time to redouble his efforts to find him.

His wife knows he loves her, he doesn’t have to be there and repeating it all the time, does he? And he had security at the mansion, he doesn’t know why Peggy’s making such a big deal out of things, when Maria’s so calm about it all, so obviously they’ve got everything well in hand, don’t they? And he’s looking for Steve, he wants to put his memory to rest as soon as he can when he meets his child, those readings were so _promising—_

And if they helped distract him from the reminder that he was going to be a father, when his biggest legacy was a body count and he’d be holding an innocent child with hands that had the blood of thousands, well. Bonus.

 

 

 

His son is— there’s no words for it. So small, so fragile, and Howard’s more comfortable handling bombs than he is with the eight-pound bundle Maria placed in his arms. So small, so fragile, and Tony’s got his mother’s dark brown eyes and Howard couldn’t help but smile at the sight. 

…the prospect of fatherhood, however, is still terrifying. Especially since, with the birth of his son, came an influx of threats, and he loves his family, so _of course_ he has to go out to help protect them.

Even if Jarvis is eyeing him disapprovingly for leaving so soon, but really this takes precedence and his wife knows he loves her, knows he’s not good at this sort of thing, so…right. Anyway. Best get going. 

 

It’s not until much, much later that he’d realize the extent of the mistake he'd made, that day.

 

 

  

Howard loves his family.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice their flaws. Maria is really coddling their son, and even if she loves him there’s no way Tony is going to grow if he doesn’t see what’s out there! Their son is a prodigy, he needs special tutoring to help reach his full potential, why can’t she _see_ that? Why was Maria insisting on keeping him stuck in the shadowed mansion when there were plenty of good programs out there, that’d let their child bloom? Programs that’d let their son flourish, and socialize more than he was now, cooped up in a mansion with just Maria and Jarvis for company.

Just—Stark men are made of iron, why she _insisted_ on coddling him like that was not something Howard could wrap his head around. He knew she came from a small town, but really this was something that should’ve been elementary.

Geez. Even at home he can’t find peace, can he? As if Hank’s not giving him enough trouble, as if those Paperclip assholes weren’t enough of a nuisance, now he has to deal with this too? And with Peggy also yelling at him, even when he’s looking for their friend? Damn, he needed a drink… 

 

 

Maria’s so, very distant at times, now. So’s Peggy, and Jarvis, and they all exchange looks behind his back.

He knows why, but he still stands by his decision to send Tony to boarding school. It could only do him good, to interact with kids his age, and that said boarding school had the best security money could buy only meant good things for their peace of mind.

  

Time passes by, and things continue in this vein. Maria’s still that much more reserved around him, which is incredibly ironic given how she’s been starting to get on his case about talking to Tony about things that shouldn’t need to be said.

 

Wasn’t it _obvious_ he was proud of his son? [ _Honestly._ ]

 

* * *

 

Howard has a few regrets, but can’t pinpoint just _where_ he went wrong.

 

His wife loves him, but she’s also so, very distant at times, and the sharp look in her eyes whenever he reaches for the bottle stings. His own son doesn’t want to talk to him, acts like Howard doesn’t like him even though he knows he loves him. [ _He_ ** _does_** _know, right? It’s obvious, there’s_ ** _no_** _way Tony could’ve missed it._ ] 

 

* * *

 

It’s not until a rainy December night, however, that things come to a head. 

That Howard realizes.

It’s not until he’s seeing a strange figure slowly making his way towards the wreckage of their car, surrounded by an unnatural light that puts his hair on end, that things finally start to click.

Not until his loving wife of nearly two decades, who he’d known and trusted since day one, said, “I’m sorry, Howard,” and—he’s in shock.

That’s the only explanation for it, for why Maria’s shooting him a single apologetic glance before she turns to the figure approaching them, commanding shadows with a clearly practiced ease, chanting in alanguage that gives him goosebumps. For why she proceeds to rain **_hell_** even as Howard can clearly make out the injuries she got during the crash, the way her dress and his shirt are slowly darkening and the unnatural way the metal’s digging into her.

He’s in shock, he has to be— he can’t do a thing, pinned by the damn seat belt, doesn’t know what’s going on even as Maria bares her teeth at their attacker and Howard can’t help but make parallels to her smile, and he— he can’t.

His wife’s bleeding out in front of his eyes, even as she’s clearly fighting for dear life, and he is _so damn_ ** _lost,_** he wants to ask what the hell is going on, knows it’s probably an assassination attempt but nothing makes **_sense—_**

And then, during a momentary lull in the fighting, Maria turns away from their attacker. Turns away, and looks at him, and— 

Maria’s eyes aren’t brown anymore. They’re a deep, deep black, unfathomable, dark like a planet lit by no sun and it takes his breath away even as she reaches towards him with hands sparking electric blue and face lined with nothing but intent, and Howard doesn’t know what she’s doing until he sees the portal open not five inches away from him.

Then, he gets his breath back just in time to react. To try and reach out towards her, to try and yell ** _no_** because he doesn’t want to go leave her—

But it doesn’t work. With a single, surprisingly strong shove, Maria sends him headfirst into a void of darkness and the last thing he sees is his wife fighting for her life, before his world erupts in light and he crash-lands on asphalt on what feels like a warm summer morning. 

Howard bit back a groan as he made to get to his feet, before—

“Stop right there!”

“Don’t move!”

 

Oh,great. As if his day couldn’t get any worse…wait, no, he was wrong. Either, that, or he was hallucinating, because an alarmingly familiar voice cut through the chaos even as he approached Howard.

 

“Everyone, stand down, that’s an order!”

 

No way—but there was no denying it. Not when he could clearly see him, now, as the man froze when he recognized him. Froze, before sighing, and moving to help him up.

“Hello, Howard.” Nick Fury said, with a slightly rueful smile. “It’s been a while.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to try to rationalize his actions in LTTR, but in no way does it excuse them. _Especially_ since, if it’d been anyone other than Maria in her shoes, it’d have ended up being an abusive relationship; even then, things've come dangerously close having a power imbalance.


End file.
